Contemplation | Jeff Brunson

After my last essay fifteen months prior, I began working on this. Basically the only thing produced—properly composed—in this time span was the title and the poem at the end. What does return mean? My dear friend Mayra says it well:

“… I want to share some information regarding the larger spiritual transformation that’s upon us—and how this will radically alter how you think, as well as naturally expand your ability to operate from love (not fear).” —Mayra Porrata

From love, not fear. And this was our beginning, your beginning. Our only hope, for anything good, is a return to love. As Mayra makes clear in this newsletter issue, the return is a transition that will include pain, disorienting spans of time, and grief. It should include these things. The return must be navigated intentionally with these things.

Return home to the You that has been since the beginning.

Pure Presence (Going Home)
All my life, here and there, I’ve heard it said, “You can’t go home again.” I’ve assumed this means that if you return it won’t be the same home you left. In that sense I would have to agree. I’ve gone home to my claimed hometown more than once. And yes, a lot changed. But was it enough change? Was it the right change?

A return to the love from which you came is a return home. It may be the only going home where one can find all just as it was left. Sit with that for a bit.

My journey back home, my return to love, began when we left that geographical home. I was 36. We lived away for 29 years, and in that span new challenges in my work, fresh experiences, and most of all, beautifully diverse interactions and relationships took hold on my seeing.

Cultural conditioning began to unravel as my view expanded beyond myopic ways of looking at many wide-ranging subjects. While some of this was indeed freeing, I would be a liar if I said some of this was not also threatening. Of course the only thing in danger were old beliefs serving nothing of value, narcissism, an ego fighting for its existence, and fear-driven expectations blocking truth.

“Isn’t this the 21st Century?” (A Violent Flow)
Watching the news about Putin’s violence and the invasion of Ukraine, I saw a brief interview of a young Ukrainian woman. It was her incredible question that I cannot get out of my head and heart; “Isn’t this the 21st Century?” Yes, have we learned nothing? Unfortunately, it would seem so.

This reminds me of something I wrote in the Essay on Compassion:

Becky and I were coming home from a pandemic-get-out-of-the-house outing, driving home via the beautiful Natchez Trace that runs right by our neighborhood. I was looking straight ahead as I drove, seeing a paved Parkway curving through lovely land and beautiful trees declaring the season. It occurred to me all this was built, and made, on a sphere suspended in the space of a galaxy, itself spinning and moving within a great Universe. Followed by a thought of how stupid we as humans behave on this tiny round speck in a grand Universe — a magnificent, sprawling territory of infinite possibility; possibility squandered by our lack of ability to see miraculous beauty and endless opportunity.

And yet we still ‘war’ and squander opportunity to be at peace with each other.

My Return to the Mother
June 2005 is the month I’ve labeled as my spiritual breakdown; an angry rant seemingly against everything I’d been taught. Truthfully, not quite everything. But honestly, a whole lot I’d been led to believe within a compromised and narrow understanding of Christianity. Blessedly for me, and those served through my work, we have a wise and wonderful friend. Beth is not just a wonderful friend but also a loving pastor. In that very month of June, she shared with me some reading to console me in my broken state. As my wife once said to one of my employees, “Jeff doesn’t read. He studies.”

In my contemplative studies of the past 17 years I’ve been very mindful of what I’ve come to believe is the ‘sin’ of the world, violence. And thanks to some of those I’ve studied, like John Dominic Crossan, I’ve become very conscious of the flow of this sin: Ideological violence—Rhetorical violence—Physical violence. If one uses God to justify violence—be it ideological, rhetorical, or physical—then that one doesn’t worship God, that one uses a god he’s created to serve his own ignorant, narcissistic means.

If one prescribes to one particular religion, or one way to worship, because it justifies the exclusion of others, then this one doesn’t understand religion at all. While religion has been used to control, manipulate, and keep others within borders (real or perceived), true religion is based on inclusion and bringing together.

And if you’re a Christian, as I remain with great grieving difficulty, and you support hate, war, and any other form of violence, then you do so in direct opposition to Jesus who came to show us our freedom in love. While it would be convenient to justify myself by placing blame on something, or some others, for my own complicity in violence—be it in thought, word, or deed—that would only deepen the false protection in the Cult of Innocence (see Brian Mclauren’s book in Notes & Influences).

When the beginning is right, the rest is made considerably easier. —Richard Rohr

So as I’ve deeply considered the love from which I came, I’ve been recalling many scenes from my life; the beautiful ones always containing my organic devotion to nature. I walk every day that I possibly can, and when I can, I hike for miles in the woods along the Natchez Trace Parkway. When living in Northeast Tennessee, Becky and I hiked stunning trails in the Tennessee, Virginia, and North Carolina mountains. I fly fished the many streams and rivers. Most every day that I walk I see in my mind and heart the wonderful pasture sloping gently upward behind our house when I was a child on that dairy farm. While the world may be frustrating for all and dangerous for many, I love the Earth. I love the Mother.

So I’ve decided to return to the Mother to know and be one with all that is, that was created as Good. For my life & living in the world, I’m navigating back to the beginning; a child who understood Earth’s goodness and was shown the loving, non-violent, unlimited inclusive ways of Jesus.

Mississippi

Summer cicadas
a chorus pass
tree to tree
In June
it’s rehearsal
by July
it’s performance
in August
it’s celebration

And so it goes
beauty
one form or another
available
on what I choose
to behold

Attention I do pay
it’s the remuneration
of presence

The pottery of presence
is still being purified
in the furnace fire
of suffering, grief, joy

To a land
one can belong
selected it seems
from the beginning

And those in the land
can be led awry
by a narrative false
away from the story true

Ignorance blissful
I now doubt
’tis just ignorance

Stands taken
on ground unreal
blind inhabitants
dangerous to all

With guilt I must release
the stupid complicity
and opinions misleading
in directions away from truth

This particular land cares not
it is one with the Mother
one with each of us

This particular land
a name given
from a great flow
and a divine, earthly people

This illustrious home
where Mississippi Kites
fly high
beauty and grace
demonstrably abound
patiently soaring far
above who we think
we are

So, a choral presentation
beautiful song without words
a most meaningful verse
the golden in silence

Notes & Influences:

Rohr, Richard. Center for Action and Contemplation

Crossan, John Dominic. How to Read the Bible and Still Be a Christian: Struggling with Divine Violence from Genesis through Revelation. New York: Harper Collins, 2015.

McLauren, Brian. Do I Stay Christian?: A Guide For The Doubters, The Disappointed, And The Disillusioned. New York: St. Martin’s Essentials, 2022.

Moore, Osheta. Dear White Peacemakers: Dismantling Racism With Grace And Grit. Harrisonburg, Virginia: Herald Press, 2021.

Postlude (if you’re interested):

This is how I say what we know as The Lord’s Prayer (thanks to my study with John Dominic Crossan, and of course the likes of Fr. Rohr, Fr. Green, Fr. Keating, etc.). Here is that prayer with my mind/heart knowing in parenthesis:

Our Father
(Householder of Earth — to me, Mother and Father)
who art in heaven
(Jesus’ message is that the Kingdom of God/Heaven is already here)
Hallowed be thy Name
(Our mere breath in and out speaks this unspeakable name – YaHWeH)
Thy Kingdom come
(Distributive Justice and Restorative Righteousness—earth belongs equally to all, no matter what)
Thy will be done
(Love, pure and simple)
As in Heaven, so on earth
(Heaven is ours to live, Now)
Give us this day our daily bread
(In this Kingdom, this earth, and in a community of Love, we must want/worry not) (The Earth, and all on it, is not Rome’s, it is God’s)
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors
(Forgiveness of debt was a command in Judaism—the land is God’s—this had nothing to do with sin … rather, Jubilee years)
And lead us not into temptation
(Keep us from counter violence)
But deliver us from evil
(Violence IS the evil; and the flow is Ideological Violence to Rhetorical Violence to Physical Violence)
For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory, for ever.
Amen

At this juncture there’s one thing for sure about some particular things within my own experience, I no longer believe what I once believed. And as I enter each reflective time and each contemplative stance, I find each belief challenged down to the bottom, either reaching a base revealing falseness or a ground of being with truth.

More than forty years since the conversation, and I’ve carried his statement with me through these years. It was after a community sunrise Easter service, and a few of us were delaying departure and talking. The exact topic evades memory. One of the participants was an elderly and wise African-American pastor. At the end of the conversation, he made the statement, “I don’t understand all I know about that.”

From my very origin I was given a strength to go deep into things of interest to better understand them. As I’ve noted before in my writing, this strength of understanding can be easily overused, becoming an equal limitation if I’m not paying careful attention to the required balance with other core strengths. This gift will continue to serve me well if I allow the protective questions; inquiries that ground me in truth.

To believe something is to hold a certain level of sureness about that something, or at least a hopeful view that there is some truth worthy of one’s energy. However, such sureness can often be completely formed on feelings; responses that may or may not be based on reality. To know something requires one to go further, more in the direction of real trust built on the foundation of both observation and experiential inquiry. We have to do the work. I’m not posturing believing against knowing or knowing against believing. More appropriately, I’m expanding on a flow of process and methodology, from believing to knowing. Beliefs determine how one behaves. Knowing grounds one. Both are important. My beliefs evolve and my knowing grows. And I don’t understand all I know about that.

Contemplation of the Work; to this Moment
In my Essay on Sustenance, I identified purpose as a sustaining force in my years thus far, and that I had entered a six month period of contemplating this work to which I’ve been led. I’m one month into such contemplation; openness to what has been and what is yet to be. One of the questions firing off this time is this: Over the past twenty years, how has my work, me, and me in the work, evolved? In addition, I must surely ask, What beliefs are being challenged in order to be grounded into a more real truth? Do I believe that my work has had an impact on the individuals with whom I love to work? Here’s what I know; I love what I do, and those for whom I do it, and I know I’m good at it.

Yes, I love the individuals with whom I work, and I want to continue to be available along their journey into and with Trueness as they live and lead from their unique rhythm. So in this contemplative space, I must confidently live the questions.

This work somewhat quickly became different than originally envisioned. My vision was more in the sights of consulting. But I suspect the more I brought myself into it (Trueness), it became coaching; whether working one-on-one or with a group. From the beginning however, I was driven by a commitment to the individual, to the internal to external flow, and to the individual to collective flow. Along with this, and because of my commitment to the individual (not to mention the practicality of building a practice), I focused what I do on the individual leader. What this looked like was a brief statement, that in essence, answered the question, What do you do? My answer; I Build Confident Leaders. This was more than just a way of answering this kind of ‘dinner party’ question. For me it became the focus of my energy, my interest-to-energy connection; an energy that guided my choices and decisions as I did the work and allowed both process and methodology to evolve.

“All human occupations and professions must themselves be expressions of the universe and its mode of functioning. This is especially true of what came to be known as religion, for the term religion and the term universe are somewhat similar in their meaning. Both are derived from the Latin, and both have to do with turning back to unity. Religion, re-ligare, is a binding back to origin. Universe, or universa, is a turning back of the many to the one. Earlier peoples seem to have understood this.” –Thomas Berry

Reflecting on the work thus far, it becomes clear that there was something in my belief system that pushed/pulled me into this work. Was it purpose? For me, probably. I believed I had something unique, or at at a minimum something missing, for those individuals with whom I worked at the time. So, before I knew I would become a coach, I coached. In truth, all I did was encourage. And I don’t understand all I know about that.

Building Confident Leaders
This statement represents my purpose as a coach, what I do, and just may be where the center of all evolution (unfolding) may lie. Certainly this purposeful focus has served me well. It has held Trueness and practicality together for me, and has held me in the work. My Trueness has been held by the confident, as my voice of Love and its strength of Encouragement were put to work in the building. While at this moment, leaders seems to be the piece most in question as I move forward, it is the piece that provided practical, tangible focus, allowing the intangible portion of what it is that I do, and represent, to become real for the individual for whom I do it.

My process/methodology is impactful. I was blessedly reminded of this recently when. in one day, two coaching clients each spoke to the value experienced in our work together, the presence we’ve thus far shared. There was a time when such comments were received and acknowledged by a too-quick, Thank You. Thanks to much guidance from valued colleagues I now allow such unsolicited feedback to soak in deeply.

Do I still want to encourage? Yes. Can it be called by another name? Yes. It already also has that name: Love. Just by the nature of encouragement, confidence is honored. I do recognize here that confidence is built by action. So then, maybe it’s encouragement focused on the Trueness of the individual that facilitates action that is good and right for the person and those they impact by their unique presence.

“Now that we are no longer bound by the constraints of probability, we must face the fact that we have a responsibility to own what’s possible. Opportunity abounds. And that’s both a scary and empowering thought. The onus to create the future we want to see for ourselves and others is on us. We get to own the story we want to live and tell.” –Bernadette Jiwa

To know fully the reality of the freedom we possess in how we are in our life and living is at the same time encouraging and discouraging; as we see possibility and feel the missed opportunities. It may seem that work is the most important thing in my life and living. This is not true at all. Working, in a general sense in our society, consumes upwards of two thirds of one’s waking hours; if you add to the time in the tasks the commute to and from for so much of the population. Work is a place where we can discover the opportunity to ‘play out’ who we are, or where we sadly avoid being who we truly are. Besides all this, I write to you about work not because I want you be successful in some occupation, but rather I want you to know your Trueness in a calling; a way of being that is true wherever you are and with whatever you do.

Back to evolution, specifically as it applies to my own true unfolding. It seems, as I also consider process and methodology, that process and methodology have evolved as I have. More real than ever, who I am has become inextricably linked to what I do, ever wanted to do, had to do. And I don’t understand all I know about that.

Notes:

Berry, Thomas. Evening Thoughts: Reflecting on Earth as Sacred Community. San Francisco: Sierra Club, 2006. (p. 114)

Jeff Brunson

Building Confident Leaders

Tag Archives: Contemplation

Return: A Participation Essay

Reflective: A Participation Essay